How to Make It, Spend It, Lose It and Get It All Back Again

I could make a witty caption about how you'll never see this much money, but no.

Surprisingly, I hate to be cynical. I would love to tell you that everyone that comes to Northwestern — from the trust fund babies to the scholarship kids — will never have to worry about money beyond the woes of the typical college student.

I’d be lying.

Last year, I sat around a table with my friends and stumbled upon the topic of scholarship. I was broke, with $2.35 to my name, and most of the kids around me shared the same woes. Once it gets to February, all your money flies out the door due to a combination of alcohol, restaurants, warm weather and the bright lights of Chicago.

The topic wandered from how do we get extra money to how are we paying for college when I discovered that not one single person at the table was given a scholarship. Any scholarship. Whatsoever. Including myself. This table may not represent the entire Northwestern populace, but you’re fooling yourself if you believe most people really, truly struggle for cash. NU’s endowment is somewhere around $6 billion (You guys are right, I read the wrong part of the financial page. BUT STILL–) a tiny portion of that is funneled to students.

But even the richest of you will find yourself struggling to pay off your unnecessary meal at Davis Street. For the rest of us, the daily trips to Lisa’s, CVS and Joy Yee’s create a monumental wave of debt on our newly-minted Chase credit card. When it comes down to the line and daddy won’t slip you an extra $20 for the month, you do have options — just don’t fuck them up.

Kellogg studies are deceptive. Initally you may look at the potential revenue stream and think, “Oh shit, I’m rich.” Not so fucking fast. Unless you are unique in some really awesome way, you will likely get one survey a week. Maybe two, but then you will endure a weeks-long dry spell before the gods of Kellogg bless you with another study. Kellogg money also has a funny way of going directly towards paying for alcohol. Although Kellogg and EV1 are nowhere near each other, the walk between will slowly become ingrained in your head and you will drift down Davis without thinking. Suddenly, your meager $15 becomes $2 — enough to pay for a cheeseburger from BK on your trek back to Bobb.

Getting a real job. No one does this. The few who do labor all day, go to classes and occasionally juggle extra-curriculars only to be assigned an 8 PM – 3 AM shift by the bitches that call themselves “the boss.” More power to you if you decide to foray down this path, but if you are anything like every other student at Northwestern, you will stare at the job listings board for 5 minutes in September and then procrastinate until April — when nowhere is hiring. Not even Einstein Bagels.

“But I have other options!” Uh, no you don’t. If you’re a guy, you can theoretically sell your sperm, and girls can auction off their eggs for a shit-ton of money, but let’s be realistic: you will be too busy getting shit-faced in the frat quad to take the time to work. Crossroads? They accept clothing, but you make the trek from north campus to south campus in the freezing cold with a box of clothing for the HUGE payout of $13.87. Not worth it. You can sell your books, but the bookstore pays nothing and it will probably never sell on Amazon.

“But I can save my money!” No, no, no, don’t be ridiculous. Money flies out of the wallet faster at Northwestern than any other place in the United States, except perhaps Manhattan. Either you are a hermit or you are poor. Pick your poison. Chances are you’ll be lining up next to Leverone 370 with the best of us.

-Sloane