Is this a Northwestern student or a world-famous model? Now that's an ambiguity you don't hear about often.

The “Fucking Freshman” category is meant to be ambiguous– like, shit, I can’t get from Tech to Evanston because all the new students walk in groups of 12 on Sheridan. Fucking freshman. –OR– Damn I’ve never seen that many hot girls at Northwestern at the same time. I need to start fucking freshmen. –OR– Why are all the freshman I meet National Merit Scholars, valedictorians, Track captains, Newspaper editors, Prom Queen, and really nice? Fucking freshmen.

So sometimes we post about freshmen we hope transfer before September, but we are even more interested in freshman we hope we live next door to or take a class with next year. This soon-to-be-NU-student falls into the latter category. Cruising her facebook page reveals nothing out of the ordinary, until you get to her “About me” section, which simply consists of three links:

Mm, links, you think. But try clicking on any of these and listen to her sing. I promise you’ll be captivated. Her music is good, really good– she has this incredible voice, and you completely forget you are listening to a girl your age and not some world famous artist.

Her Purevolume billboard says this about her:

This is you in several months, freshmen.

A few months into my freshman year at Northwestern, I found myself posing against a white brick wall in a skanky, dimly lit hallway of one of Northwestern’s sketchier dorm– snap, my picture was taken, and a few weeks later, I was handed a shoddy rectangle of plastic emblazoned with my name and picture. The edges were rough and uneven and there weren’t any holograms– isn’t that the first thing they check for?? I looked back up at the kid with the hook-up with my seriously? expression all over my face. This is what I just paid half my month’s budget for?

Back at home, even the future freshman with years of drinking experience probably don’t have or need a fake ID. Older brothers, sketchy co-workers, and parents’ well-stocked liquor cabinets provide. Even cute Lodge or DU destined prospies get a little wide-eyed when their host suggests that they come with them to The Keg, offering to pass back their true and trusted fake.

Enter the Northwestern social scene. Evanston and Chicago bars are the places to be, and the the start of the end of the best nights at NU will probably occur at these fine locations. So if you don’t have a fake ID, or a horde of ID-equipped friends willing to pass back to you, you better get hooked up soon, especially if you are looking to go Greek.

Luckily, even the shittiest IDs work on campus. The Indian guy behind the counter at your new Liquor-fountain, EV1, is always going to give you that I-can’t-you-get-away-with-this look when he hands you back your fake, but every Thursday he still double bags your Grey Goose and Hypnotiq Karkov and Captain’s. And the “We Card Hard” stickers pasted outside The Keg and the rumored-soon-to-close Hundo? Might as well read “We Card Like Limp Dick”. I’ve never had my super obvious fake turned down, even at semi-classy establishments like The Celtic Knot (good drinks) or the quasi-Chicago staple, Mark II Lounge aka The Deuce (bad pizza/good times). There’s even a legend that someone has gotten into The Keg using a NU Wildcard with a fake date of birth added. But seriously, just put forward that $150 bucks. Yeah, it’ll just mean you’ll spend more money on alcohol and have even worse hangovers, but it’s so worth it. And if you are the cool kid who already has one Wildcat Welcome Week? Northwestern will give you a fiiine welcome to the wonderful institution of learning and higher education we call home.

–Franny G.

Let’s take a little time to get to know the energetic little fuckers who will be swarming Evanston come September. Just remember, everyone is awkward at the beginning and every pre-frosh looks retarded on Facebook.

Self-explanatory.

Interests: making people laugh n feel good, going out, having a good time, parties, and living life
Favorite Music: all kinds…anywhere from rap to rock to country to reggae…if it sounds good i like it
Favorite TV Shows: i watch alot of sports. Sportscenter in the morning. Rob and Big, Everybody Loves Raymond, iono buncha stuff.
Favorite Movies: too many usually i like a good horror or comedy movie
Choice quote: “I want to paint the Rock the first couple days we’re there. N i wanna make sure people know its from us freshman…lets hear ideas. … we gotta do somethin to piss off the rest of the sophs, juniors, n seniors”

A few weeks into school I met a boy who had already hooked up with nine girls. Admirable. Soon after, he burned his face taking a flaming shot, and I’m sure the hookups dwindled.

NU Stereotype: Boy who would take a flaming shot to show off, but totally fuck it up and burn his face.
Secret: He is totally into schoolwork. But the thing is, everyone here is totally into schoolwork, but the ones with the superiority complex try to hide it.
Actual secret: Actually a nice person. Genuinely feels bad when he fucks someone over. A fun person to hang out with, when he’s not showing off. He’s in PWild, so chances are higher than average he’s not actually a douche. Likes to jump off rocks.
Greek?: Abso-fucking-lutely. DU, maybe Sig Ep.
Predictions: Comes on too strong, gets burned in frat rush, Hundo regular by the end of the year.

-Sloane