Yeah, this doesn't really happen at Northwestern. Or at any college I've been to.

Drinking in the dorm is quick, easy, and a potentially huge risk, depending on where you live. Stereotypical “partying” dorm? (Bobb, Elder, Allison, Willard, etc.) You’ll probably make it out okay, but no matter where you live most in-dorm parties are marked by general paranoia and overall sketchiness following the golden rule small is better. Don’t live in the dorm? Don’t know the host? Don’t count on getting in.

Dorm parties are a staple of colleges lacking a bar scene and Greek life, but far less common at Northwestern. The occasional “floor party” does crop up, usually catered to the freshman crowd. For most students, drinking in the dorms is reserved for pre-gaming or really boring Tuesday nights. Unfortunately, when you’re just making a name on the NU scene, there will be many nights you’ll find yourself playing Kings in a dorm room, crossing your finger that knock wasn’t the douchebag CA making rounds.

(The higher the score, the better)

Availability of liquor: There is really no generalization for how much liquor is going to be at a dorm party, but the chances of getting more than a few beers and a bunch of shots isn’t that high, if this is a legitimate “party” in your dorm, and it’s not just you, me, and a handle of Smirnoff to kill. Which, by the way, does not qualify as a dorm party. While occasionally (ed. — almost always) enjoyable, that qualifies you as a practicing alcoholic. If you’re wandering around Bobb after hearing of that “super cool” party on the third floor, chances are great you will get no liquor. Promise. Score: 3

Chances of hooking up: Dorm parties tend to be the first stop on a series of destinations, so most people aren’t looking to settle down quite yet. Plus do you really want to be reminded of the time you hooked up with I-have-a-slight-beer-belly every time they walk to the bathroom? Not only does hooking up at a dorm party rarely happen, but its rarely a good idea/ Score: 3

Chances of getting in: There’s really no way to not get in to a dorm party, unless there are already 30 people in the room, or you don’t live in the dorm and don’t know anyone in the dorm to sign you in. Which would raise the question…why the fuck are you trying to get in anyways? Access, in general, is not an issue. Score: 8

Location convenience: If the party is in your dorm, you literally don’t have to go anywhere. Such a convenient party, though, is almost inconvenient…isn’t the whole point of going out to go out??? It may be close, but if you judge your parties solely on close, you are missing the fuck out. Score: 10, but in a bad way.

Chances of getting busted: If you are attending a legitimately advertised dorm party, you probably will get caught and written up by a CA, unless you plan it and execute it really smartly, in which case it probably wasn’t a fun party anyways. Getting written up isn’t such a huge deal, and it usually makes a good story, but it does kind of put a damper on your night. Score: 9

- Franny G.

Nights at Sigma Chi used to be a lot more interesting.

When all other colleges have already commenced and Northwestern students linger/languish across the country waiting for school to fucking start already, the prefrosh will inevitably receive a series of irritating calls from their friends who are already at college detailing the “sick frat parties” they went to last night. By the time new student week rolls around (around the time when most colleges have Fall Break), freshman are practically peeing their pants in anticipation of visiting “Frat Row”

And even though NU has more of a “Frat scramble” with its disjointed series of scattered quads, the experience doesn’t necessarily disappoint, especially if you know what you are doing/are good at faking it.

While Freshman Freeze is in effect for the first couple weeks of school and technically bans freshman from entering Greek houses, the rule is pretty easily broken and ignored. Afterward the first three weeks building a web of deceit and lies (“I’m a sophomore, I swear!”) the freshmen are allowed to swarm the houses.

That is when the dance parties begin. That is not what we’re talking about; this applies to honest-to-god frat keggers where the brothers escort you upstairs while peeking out the front door to make sure there aren’t cops. Dance parties suck universally. No one wants to go to a dance party, they just end up there, drunk and horny.

Availability of liquor: If you are some rando and you don’t know anyone at the frat, you might end up having an AA-worthy sober night, even if you do pre-game. Bottom line is, you generally need to know somebody who knows somebody or be a really cool looking guy or a hot looking girl if you are going to drink at a frat party. There are lots of exceptions, like sketchy two-story (as opposed to 4-story) frats that are enthusiastic about jungle juice, jager bombs, and ice luge shots for all, but these everyone’s-welcome parties aren’t as common as the ones where to get upstairs (and access alcohol) you need to be in the know. In short, if you can get in, you’re set. Score: 6

Chances of hooking up: High. Frats are basically scientifically designed incubators for sex, with precisely the right ratios of freely flowing beer, dimly lit hallways, and dark rooms resplendent with beds and futons. Everyone is trying to impress, and if you want, you can probably find a guaranteed hookup at most frat parties. Granted, you might have to lower your standards, but this is Northwestern. Get used to it. Score: 7.5

Chances of getting in: This varies by person and by party. At cooler, more selective frats, you might need to know someone or look outrageously cool/hot to even get inside, especially during the beginning of the year, when freshmen mill around the frat quad like a crowd of lost orphans hungry for porridge. Generally, though, if you look semi-cute, aren’t wearing any unfortunate sweatshirt/suspender combinations, and aren’t part of a large and callow looking group, you can gain access to any frat, even if its by just following in some other people. All in all though, its best to know people, so make connections early, get phone numbers, and practice the phrase “Oh, it’s okay, I know John, let me in.” Score: 4

Annoyingness factor: Depending on the frat, there is a full spectrum of extra-douche to so nice and undouchey you are perturbed, creeped out, and have to vacate the premise because if one more guy who was without a question on his high school debate team tells you your dress looks nice and offers you a drink, you might vomit. So try ‘em all and find what you like best. As for the girls you may encounter, watch this video. If it makes you want to gouge your eyes out, frat parties may not be your best bet. Score: 5

Location convenience: High. Even for south campus dwellers, the frat quads are a mere 10 minute drunken stumble or a quick 2 minute blip if you can catch a bus. And for the blessed inhabitants of North Campus, the frats are quite literally in your backyard. Score: 9

Chances of getting busted: While there’s always a chance the frat might get in trouble later for their partying, the chances of you having to stop consuming alcohol because of the police or administration is pretty minimal. Score: 2

-Franny G.

Get out five bucks and your indie-est duds.

Fundraising parties have been in the Mary Desler bullseye for the past year, who has threatened to revoke the charter / right to party / right to be an organization status of any group caught hosting a fundraising party. Unfortunately, this rule has been loosely enforced so far — at least, as far as I can tell. If anything, the number of $5-a-pop parties has decreased throughout the year. Not as easy to find or as cheap as frat parties, these parties usually guarantee a moderate amount of liquor to jump-start your night.

Beware: fundraising parties are home games for the indie Polaroid set. Nestling in south campus alcoves, these skinny-jeans clad Weinberg students (usually “classics” or “linguistics” or “art history” or something equally indie-riffic) designate these parties with retro-cool (not really) themes such as “The ’90s” or “Nickelodeon” or “Neon.” The further south you go for a fundraising party, the more likely you are to stumble upon a drunken discussion of Kafka. Really, now.

(The higher the rating, the better.)

Availability of liquor: Variable. If you show up before 11:30 or bring lots of dollar bills, the world is at your greedy grubby fingertips. Sure, the entry fee may be a strain on your tiny college wallet, but your $5 stretches further here than at EV1: all the crappy beer and poorly-made jungle juice you can handle, and shots and mixed drinks go for an extra dollar. Show up later than 11 or 11:30, chances are good the beer is tapped — not that it will stop the showrunners from taking your five bucks. Score: 6.5

Chances of hooking up: Average. Last fundraising party I attended, three different couples were hooking up in the living room. But these parties tend to be more insular and cliquey than your average frat party, so chances are good you won’t be talking to many people outside your circle of friends. Don’t count on going home with a stranger, but it does happen. Score: 6

Chances of getting in: Got five dollars? Unless if the party is way over capacity (and that doesn’t happen often, considering their primary advertising venue is Facebook and word-of-mouth), they’ll take anyone willing to pay. Score: 9

Annoyingness factor: If you hate faded jeans and boho dresses, maybe not the best selection. Overall, though, everyone’s chill. I once wandered into a party I had been invited to on Facebook, knew no one, and look back upon that night with extremely fond memories. Points off for the pretentious asshats, but extra points because they don’t give a shit what you do, as long as you aren’t in their way. Score: 7

Location convenience: Fundraising parties center around Ridge and Davis, which is a long walk from south campus and a fucking hike if you live north. In winter, getting there is damn near impossible, especially considering Safe Ride’s wait time increases an hour for every two centimeters of snow on the ground. Score: 2

Chances of getting busted: Moderate to high. I’ve never been at a busted fundraising party but theoretically it does happen. With neighbors who may or may not love booming bass at 3 am, you’re more likely to find yourself face-to-face with an officer than at a frat house. However, the bigger the party, the likelier it becomes that the cop will just tell the hosts to “quiet down.” Has anyone actually gotten a drinking citation after police showed? Probably not. Score: 5

-Sloane

This is you in several months, freshmen.

A few months into my freshman year at Northwestern, I found myself posing against a white brick wall in a skanky, dimly lit hallway of one of Northwestern’s sketchier dorm– snap, my picture was taken, and a few weeks later, I was handed a shoddy rectangle of plastic emblazoned with my name and picture. The edges were rough and uneven and there weren’t any holograms– isn’t that the first thing they check for?? I looked back up at the kid with the hook-up with my seriously? expression all over my face. This is what I just paid half my month’s budget for?

Back at home, even the future freshman with years of drinking experience probably don’t have or need a fake ID. Older brothers, sketchy co-workers, and parents’ well-stocked liquor cabinets provide. Even cute Lodge or DU destined prospies get a little wide-eyed when their host suggests that they come with them to The Keg, offering to pass back their true and trusted fake.

Enter the Northwestern social scene. Evanston and Chicago bars are the places to be, and the the start of the end of the best nights at NU will probably occur at these fine locations. So if you don’t have a fake ID, or a horde of ID-equipped friends willing to pass back to you, you better get hooked up soon, especially if you are looking to go Greek.

Luckily, even the shittiest IDs work on campus. The Indian guy behind the counter at your new Liquor-fountain, EV1, is always going to give you that I-can’t-you-get-away-with-this look when he hands you back your fake, but every Thursday he still double bags your Grey Goose and Hypnotiq Karkov and Captain’s. And the “We Card Hard” stickers pasted outside The Keg and the rumored-soon-to-close Hundo? Might as well read “We Card Like Limp Dick”. I’ve never had my super obvious fake turned down, even at semi-classy establishments like The Celtic Knot (good drinks) or the quasi-Chicago staple, Mark II Lounge aka The Deuce (bad pizza/good times). There’s even a legend that someone has gotten into The Keg using a NU Wildcard with a fake date of birth added. But seriously, just put forward that $150 bucks. Yeah, it’ll just mean you’ll spend more money on alcohol and have even worse hangovers, but it’s so worth it. And if you are the cool kid who already has one Wildcat Welcome Week? Northwestern will give you a fiiine welcome to the wonderful institution of learning and higher education we call home.

–Franny G.

This is more like what you'll be doing in your dorm bed.

College is all about freedom. The freedom to drink 5 shots (and that’s just pregaming). The freedom to go out at 3 a.m. if you want. The freedom to hook up with as many people as you want.

Uh, back up there.

Look, if you think you’re going to come to college and your roommate will be happy and helpful throughout your conquests, think again. I sexiled my roommate a grand total of, like, four times over the course of the year and by the time we both moved out on the last day she hated me for essentially being a floozy. But that might have had something to do with the fact that she, the horniest motherfucker to walk the planet, didn’t get fucked once.

Be a skank. Snare dozens of unsuspecting freshmen into your trap. Get yours. But don’t expect to bring your conquests back to your tiny dorm night after night. Get used to the Shakespeare Garden, the rocks by the lake, the beach, because if you have any skill with the opposite sex, chances are good your roommate will be double-majoring in Chinese and astrophysics (not to bash on astrophysicists, I’ve met some gorgeous astrophysicists, one of whom we dubbed “Cappie” because of his incredibly resemblance to Cappie from Greek).

Fuck yes.

Common pitfalls of sexiling and the dorm room bed:

• Finding a place to hook up. Get used to the following conversation: “My roommate has homework.” “My roommate’s asleep.” “Fuck.” “Fuck.” “I hear the library’s open….” In fall and late spring quarter, your options are limitless. In winter, bundle up and head to the stacks in the library, Tech, University, McTrib, or, if all else fails, spend a while wandering around pulling on door handles. Hormones trump the cold and locked doors.
• The “QUICK!” fuck. Yeah, so you put a sock on the door, but no roommate is forgiving enough to be okay with that more than once a week. To salvage roommate relations, perfect your technique so the entire session lasts no longer than 15 minutes, from heavy petting to post-orgasm cuddling.
• Emergency relocation. Once, after making out in the hall lounge for a few minutes, two people realized they wanted to hook up and quick. The hall lounge at 10 p.m. is not an optimal location; keep an emergency stock of private (albeit sketchy) locations. Shepherd and other RC’s are good for this, with practice rooms, etc. etc., downstairs. In residence halls, you may not be so lucky.

Northwestern is not a haven for over-educated virgins. A quick calculation of my freshman-year hall estimates that slightly over 50% of us were un-virgined, and I lived in a shitty dorm on south campus. Don’t delude yourself into thinking everyone living in Bobb is an over-sexed alcoholic (more on Bobb later), though. Wherever you live you will find people like you. One of the prettiest and most interesting ladies I know is still of the sacred cloth, whereas some ugly fucking Medilldos are fucking up a storm. Seriously, just don’t worry about it.

Don’t buy into the myth that there is no dating scene at Northwestern. (A) Who gives a shit about dating anymore? And (B) There are plenty of opportunities, both serious and casual, to engage the affections of the alternate sex. If you are desperate, reasonably attractive (and I do mean reasonably in the loosest interpretation of the word), and open to whatever you will find what you want, cash-back guarantee. Don’t work yourself into the mindset that you are too ugly to find a mate. Almost everyone here is too ugly, so wear a low-cut top or don’t be a douchebag and you’re set for your four years here. Finding a relationship is another thing altogether, but just don’t worry about that and everything will be ace.

-Sloane

How to Make It, Spend It, Lose It and Get It All Back Again

I could make a witty caption about how you'll never see this much money, but no.

Surprisingly, I hate to be cynical. I would love to tell you that everyone that comes to Northwestern — from the trust fund babies to the scholarship kids — will never have to worry about money beyond the woes of the typical college student.

I’d be lying.

Last year, I sat around a table with my friends and stumbled upon the topic of scholarship. I was broke, with $2.35 to my name, and most of the kids around me shared the same woes. Once it gets to February, all your money flies out the door due to a combination of alcohol, restaurants, warm weather and the bright lights of Chicago.

The topic wandered from how do we get extra money to how are we paying for college when I discovered that not one single person at the table was given a scholarship. Any scholarship. Whatsoever. Including myself. This table may not represent the entire Northwestern populace, but you’re fooling yourself if you believe most people really, truly struggle for cash. NU’s endowment is somewhere around $6 billion (You guys are right, I read the wrong part of the financial page. BUT STILL–) a tiny portion of that is funneled to students.

But even the richest of you will find yourself struggling to pay off your unnecessary meal at Davis Street. For the rest of us, the daily trips to Lisa’s, CVS and Joy Yee’s create a monumental wave of debt on our newly-minted Chase credit card. When it comes down to the line and daddy won’t slip you an extra $20 for the month, you do have options — just don’t fuck them up.

Kellogg studies are deceptive. Initally you may look at the potential revenue stream and think, “Oh shit, I’m rich.” Not so fucking fast. Unless you are unique in some really awesome way, you will likely get one survey a week. Maybe two, but then you will endure a weeks-long dry spell before the gods of Kellogg bless you with another study. Kellogg money also has a funny way of going directly towards paying for alcohol. Although Kellogg and EV1 are nowhere near each other, the walk between will slowly become ingrained in your head and you will drift down Davis without thinking. Suddenly, your meager $15 becomes $2 — enough to pay for a cheeseburger from BK on your trek back to Bobb.

Getting a real job. No one does this. The few who do labor all day, go to classes and occasionally juggle extra-curriculars only to be assigned an 8 PM – 3 AM shift by the bitches that call themselves “the boss.” More power to you if you decide to foray down this path, but if you are anything like every other student at Northwestern, you will stare at the job listings board for 5 minutes in September and then procrastinate until April — when nowhere is hiring. Not even Einstein Bagels.

“But I have other options!” Uh, no you don’t. If you’re a guy, you can theoretically sell your sperm, and girls can auction off their eggs for a shit-ton of money, but let’s be realistic: you will be too busy getting shit-faced in the frat quad to take the time to work. Crossroads? They accept clothing, but you make the trek from north campus to south campus in the freezing cold with a box of clothing for the HUGE payout of $13.87. Not worth it. You can sell your books, but the bookstore pays nothing and it will probably never sell on Amazon.

“But I can save my money!” No, no, no, don’t be ridiculous. Money flies out of the wallet faster at Northwestern than any other place in the United States, except perhaps Manhattan. Either you are a hermit or you are poor. Pick your poison. Chances are you’ll be lining up next to Leverone 370 with the best of us.

-Sloane