It's all pretty cool.

As you wait anxiously for your dorm decisions, please listen to my words of wisdom about the dorm-ing process. I’ve read your Facebook group. I’ve been amused by your repeated attempts to contact the housing office, who are probably now just witholding the room assignments out of spite.

The summer before college, there is little more exciting than finding out who your roommate is and where you are living. Among all the defining factors of your college experience, these two seem to be the most important. I remember the day my housing information came, and all of the swelling excitement that arose within me as I opened my housing assignment.

And I remember being totally disappointed, and then later realizing all my first impressions were totally wrong.

Two years ago, I (much like you) wanted to have the BEST TIME EVER at college. And I tied having the BEST TIME EVER to being in the BEST DORM EVER which was, obviously, Bobb. And as I scrolled down the page to find my dorm assignment read, for all intensive purposes, “NOT BOBB 0326,” I was crushed. Immediately I began a Facebook stalking frenzy of my roommate, analyzing every picture, favorite TV show, and wall post, mentally analyzing what we would talk about and do together. I discovered this nerdy kid who was majoring in SESP or something equally lame (so I thought) and I became a puddle of sad, disappointed, moping sadness.

One of my friends videotaped his initial facebook stalking of his freshman roommate, counting on it being a really salient point in his life. Well, it was. His initial impression– this horrified, aghast facial expression and subsequent curse words– correlated highly with his roommate relationship throughout the year.

I spent the rest of the summer refreshing my dorm’s Facebook group, friending everyone I could find on my hall, and figuring out who my future friends would be. I pinned one girl down as my new bestie forever, and it turned out I talked to her maybe twice the whole year. My roommate turned out to be pretty chill, most of the time, and a hilarious drunk. Best of all, I still went out at least three nights a week, and usually more — all this from a skanky gross random-ass south campus dorm.

My point is: finding out where you will live is exciting, as is stalking your future roommate. But don’t get caught up in what your dorm and your roommate will mean to the “fun factor” of your freshman year. You make your own entertainment. There are some fucking boring people in Elder, and some ridiculously awesome people down south. And vice versa. A friend who’s an incoming freshman messaged me the other day worrying that she wouldn’t get into her top two choices. For future reference, her top five were:

1. Bobb/McCulloch
2. Elder
3. Allison
4. PARC
5. CRC

Once she hit spot number four she said “I just gave up and put down random dorms because I don’t know anything about NU dorms but now I hear PARC is terrible and I might as well give up any thoughts of ever having sex if I live there.”

So yes, young freshman friend, you will probably end up in PARC or CRC because few freshman actually want to live there so they snap up anyone that marks them down. No comment as to the awesomeness of those dorms (I have never met anyone who lived in PARC, and I have strong opinions about CRC), but guess what, freshman?

You’ll fucking survive, so get over it. Yes, Bobb and Elder and Allison and blah blah blah are fun dorms. But no matter where you live, if you want to go out, you will find people to go out with, and no matter what people say, your roommate does not make your social life. Stalk all you want, but in the grand scheme of things the time you spend analyzing pictures on the internet means nothing. Have fun! Don’t tie yourself down to some misconceived misconception of your dorm.

Love,
Sloane (and Franny G.)

Yeah, this doesn't really happen at Northwestern. Or at any college I've been to.

Drinking in the dorm is quick, easy, and a potentially huge risk, depending on where you live. Stereotypical “partying” dorm? (Bobb, Elder, Allison, Willard, etc.) You’ll probably make it out okay, but no matter where you live most in-dorm parties are marked by general paranoia and overall sketchiness following the golden rule small is better. Don’t live in the dorm? Don’t know the host? Don’t count on getting in.

Dorm parties are a staple of colleges lacking a bar scene and Greek life, but far less common at Northwestern. The occasional “floor party” does crop up, usually catered to the freshman crowd. For most students, drinking in the dorms is reserved for pre-gaming or really boring Tuesday nights. Unfortunately, when you’re just making a name on the NU scene, there will be many nights you’ll find yourself playing Kings in a dorm room, crossing your finger that knock wasn’t the douchebag CA making rounds.

(The higher the score, the better)

Availability of liquor: There is really no generalization for how much liquor is going to be at a dorm party, but the chances of getting more than a few beers and a bunch of shots isn’t that high, if this is a legitimate “party” in your dorm, and it’s not just you, me, and a handle of Smirnoff to kill. Which, by the way, does not qualify as a dorm party. While occasionally (ed. — almost always) enjoyable, that qualifies you as a practicing alcoholic. If you’re wandering around Bobb after hearing of that “super cool” party on the third floor, chances are great you will get no liquor. Promise. Score: 3

Chances of hooking up: Dorm parties tend to be the first stop on a series of destinations, so most people aren’t looking to settle down quite yet. Plus do you really want to be reminded of the time you hooked up with I-have-a-slight-beer-belly every time they walk to the bathroom? Not only does hooking up at a dorm party rarely happen, but its rarely a good idea/ Score: 3

Chances of getting in: There’s really no way to not get in to a dorm party, unless there are already 30 people in the room, or you don’t live in the dorm and don’t know anyone in the dorm to sign you in. Which would raise the question…why the fuck are you trying to get in anyways? Access, in general, is not an issue. Score: 8

Location convenience: If the party is in your dorm, you literally don’t have to go anywhere. Such a convenient party, though, is almost inconvenient…isn’t the whole point of going out to go out??? It may be close, but if you judge your parties solely on close, you are missing the fuck out. Score: 10, but in a bad way.

Chances of getting busted: If you are attending a legitimately advertised dorm party, you probably will get caught and written up by a CA, unless you plan it and execute it really smartly, in which case it probably wasn’t a fun party anyways. Getting written up isn’t such a huge deal, and it usually makes a good story, but it does kind of put a damper on your night. Score: 9

- Franny G.

This is more like what you'll be doing in your dorm bed.

College is all about freedom. The freedom to drink 5 shots (and that’s just pregaming). The freedom to go out at 3 a.m. if you want. The freedom to hook up with as many people as you want.

Uh, back up there.

Look, if you think you’re going to come to college and your roommate will be happy and helpful throughout your conquests, think again. I sexiled my roommate a grand total of, like, four times over the course of the year and by the time we both moved out on the last day she hated me for essentially being a floozy. But that might have had something to do with the fact that she, the horniest motherfucker to walk the planet, didn’t get fucked once.

Be a skank. Snare dozens of unsuspecting freshmen into your trap. Get yours. But don’t expect to bring your conquests back to your tiny dorm night after night. Get used to the Shakespeare Garden, the rocks by the lake, the beach, because if you have any skill with the opposite sex, chances are good your roommate will be double-majoring in Chinese and astrophysics (not to bash on astrophysicists, I’ve met some gorgeous astrophysicists, one of whom we dubbed “Cappie” because of his incredibly resemblance to Cappie from Greek).

Fuck yes.

Common pitfalls of sexiling and the dorm room bed:

• Finding a place to hook up. Get used to the following conversation: “My roommate has homework.” “My roommate’s asleep.” “Fuck.” “Fuck.” “I hear the library’s open….” In fall and late spring quarter, your options are limitless. In winter, bundle up and head to the stacks in the library, Tech, University, McTrib, or, if all else fails, spend a while wandering around pulling on door handles. Hormones trump the cold and locked doors.
• The “QUICK!” fuck. Yeah, so you put a sock on the door, but no roommate is forgiving enough to be okay with that more than once a week. To salvage roommate relations, perfect your technique so the entire session lasts no longer than 15 minutes, from heavy petting to post-orgasm cuddling.
• Emergency relocation. Once, after making out in the hall lounge for a few minutes, two people realized they wanted to hook up and quick. The hall lounge at 10 p.m. is not an optimal location; keep an emergency stock of private (albeit sketchy) locations. Shepherd and other RC’s are good for this, with practice rooms, etc. etc., downstairs. In residence halls, you may not be so lucky.

Northwestern is not a haven for over-educated virgins. A quick calculation of my freshman-year hall estimates that slightly over 50% of us were un-virgined, and I lived in a shitty dorm on south campus. Don’t delude yourself into thinking everyone living in Bobb is an over-sexed alcoholic (more on Bobb later), though. Wherever you live you will find people like you. One of the prettiest and most interesting ladies I know is still of the sacred cloth, whereas some ugly fucking Medilldos are fucking up a storm. Seriously, just don’t worry about it.

Don’t buy into the myth that there is no dating scene at Northwestern. (A) Who gives a shit about dating anymore? And (B) There are plenty of opportunities, both serious and casual, to engage the affections of the alternate sex. If you are desperate, reasonably attractive (and I do mean reasonably in the loosest interpretation of the word), and open to whatever you will find what you want, cash-back guarantee. Don’t work yourself into the mindset that you are too ugly to find a mate. Almost everyone here is too ugly, so wear a low-cut top or don’t be a douchebag and you’re set for your four years here. Finding a relationship is another thing altogether, but just don’t worry about that and everything will be ace.

-Sloane