Archive Page 2
PHAIYE BLAOUNT
Profile picture #2, after "Phaiye" deleted the illicitly obtained previous profile pic.
Ms. Blaount strikes fear in the hearts of young pre-frosh everywhere. “The class of 2012 has an inside joke already,” they say, giggling at their comradeship. Now they have a name to throw around when they’re awkwardly meeting people at the Sargent lunch tables: “Hey, remember Phaiye Blaount? We outed her! Aren’t we so cool?” Just like the class of 2011 before them and their obsession with a certain blonde theater major who may or may not have friended every member of the class before them, the class of 2012 has already begun bonding. How quaint.
It’s not as if I enjoy mocking the wee ones who will soon invade our campus. I was once one of them, joining a Facebook group, writing wall posts and giggling over cute boys who will live in my hall (who were not actually that cute and played GTA all the fucking time). But then along came LS for NBN and Lauren Cohn, and shit hit the fan. Suddenly, the class of 2012 was not just a bunch of future NU kids, but fucking detectives. Detectives who believe:
- that Mary Desler actually cares about their Facebook profiles, takes time to check them all in detail, and will kick them out of schools if she sees any indications they know what alcohol is.
- that the NU administration is actively taking time to create detailed Facebook profiles and respond to hundreds of wall posts with a detailed alibi about the imaginary person’s assumed life.
Lauren Cohn’s true identity is up in the air. Maybe it was a failed attempt by the administration to put one foot in the Facebook battle arena. But after the Cohn explosion, I’d imagine they’d carefully reconsider their stance on fake Facebook profiling before jumping right back in.
Hey, but at least “We have already made RumorRoyalty for this whole Phaiye scandal….and we haven’t even gotten on campus yet.” Which is apparently their only goal in life. Notoreity before fame before anyone gives a shit about you.
-Sloane
Filed under: fucking freshmen | 2 Comments
Tags: facebook, fake facebook, phaiye blaount
This is more like what you'll be doing in your dorm bed.
College is all about freedom. The freedom to drink 5 shots (and that’s just pregaming). The freedom to go out at 3 a.m. if you want. The freedom to hook up with as many people as you want.
Uh, back up there.
Look, if you think you’re going to come to college and your roommate will be happy and helpful throughout your conquests, think again. I sexiled my roommate a grand total of, like, four times over the course of the year and by the time we both moved out on the last day she hated me for essentially being a floozy. But that might have had something to do with the fact that she, the horniest motherfucker to walk the planet, didn’t get fucked once.
Be a skank. Snare dozens of unsuspecting freshmen into your trap. Get yours. But don’t expect to bring your conquests back to your tiny dorm night after night. Get used to the Shakespeare Garden, the rocks by the lake, the beach, because if you have any skill with the opposite sex, chances are good your roommate will be double-majoring in Chinese and astrophysics (not to bash on astrophysicists, I’ve met some gorgeous astrophysicists, one of whom we dubbed “Cappie” because of his incredibly resemblance to Cappie from Greek).
Fuck yes.
Common pitfalls of sexiling and the dorm room bed:
- Finding a place to hook up. Get used to the following conversation: “My roommate has homework.” “My roommate’s asleep.” “Fuck.” “Fuck.” “I hear the library’s open….” In fall and late spring quarter, your options are limitless. In winter, bundle up and head to the stacks in the library, Tech, University, McTrib, or, if all else fails, spend a while wandering around pulling on door handles. Hormones trump the cold and locked doors.
- The “QUICK!” fuck. Yeah, so you put a sock on the door, but no roommate is forgiving enough to be okay with that more than once a week. To salvage roommate relations, perfect your technique so the entire session lasts no longer than 15 minutes, from heavy petting to post-orgasm cuddling.
- Emergency relocation. Once, after making out in the hall lounge for a few minutes, two people realized they wanted to hook up and quick. The hall lounge at 10 p.m. is not an optimal location; keep an emergency stock of private (albeit sketchy) locations. Shepherd and other RC’s are good for this, with practice rooms, etc. etc., downstairs. In residence halls, you may not be so lucky.
Northwestern is not a haven for over-educated virgins. A quick calculation of my freshman-year hall estimates that slightly over 50% of us were un-virgined, and I lived in a shitty dorm on south campus. Don’t delude yourself into thinking everyone living in Bobb is an over-sexed alcoholic (more on Bobb later), though. Wherever you live you will find people like you. One of the prettiest and most interesting ladies I know is still of the sacred cloth, whereas some ugly fucking Medilldos are fucking up a storm. Seriously, just don’t worry about it.
Don’t buy into the myth that there is no dating scene at Northwestern. (A) Who gives a shit about dating anymore? And (B) There are plenty of opportunities, both serious and casual, to engage the affections of the alternate sex. If you are desperate, reasonably attractive (and I do mean reasonably in the loosest interpretation of the word), and open to whatever you will find what you want, cash-back guarantee. Don’t work yourself into the mindset that you are too ugly to find a mate. Almost everyone here is too ugly, so wear a low-cut top or don’t be a douchebag and you’re set for your four years here. Finding a relationship is another thing altogether, but just don’t worry about that and everything will be ace.
-Sloane
Filed under: the rough guide to nu | Leave a Comment
Tags: dorms, freshman guide, hooking up, sex, sexile
Not that you'll ever see this in real life.
I hesitate to say no one at Northwestern cares about lacrosse.
But no one at Northwestern cares about lacrosse.
We all feel guilty. Some of us go to games, many even understand the game, and we all endure a few lengthy conversations about how awesome it is that the lacrosse team has won the national tournament yet again.
And yet we simply don’t care about lacrosse. This is one of Northwestern’s biggest embarrassments, and also symbolic of a more serious, nation-wide epidemic (we don’t watch girls sports, blah blah blah, I’m not getting into it here). Our lacrosse team wins the national championship four times. The Daily publishes multi-page spreads on our gem of a lacrosse program. We should be proud.
And technically, we are. It’s a bragging point, something for tour guides to spout off after “our football team couldn’t win a game if Dean Lavine were penning the write-up” and “our students score more than our basketball team.” But beyond the one day after winning the championship, don’t expect to hear one word about the team.
I don’t mean to paint a miserable picture of Northwestern’s school spirit. We get dressed up for football games, sometimes. But the day we stream to the new lacrosse stadium to watch our purple-clad ladies toss the tiny little lacrosse ball up and down the field… well, it simply doesn’t exist.
Although once I was walking home from SPAC when I saw two lacrosse players walk in front of me. Kind of held my breath. Individual lacrosse players are gods, although no Greg Oden.
Maybe next year I will trek up to north campus and watch a game, but it doesn’t look likely. Hate to be a hypocrite but that’s how most of the Wildcats work, too. No one gives a shit about lacrosse, and for a few days late spring quarter we all feel bad for not giving a shit.
But then it’s football season and maybe, just maybe, we’ll beat The Ohio State University. Because it’s better to obsessively follow our losing football team than waste time watching chicks run around in tight shorts. At least I understand football.
-Sloane
Filed under: the rough guide to nu | Leave a Comment
Tags: basketball, football, lacrosse, school spirit, sports
Let’s take a little time to get to know the energetic little fuckers who will be swarming Evanston come September. Just remember, everyone is awkward at the beginning and every pre-frosh looks retarded on Facebook.
Self-explanatory.
Interests: making people laugh n feel good, going out, having a good time, parties, and living life
Favorite Music: all kinds…anywhere from rap to rock to country to reggae…if it sounds good i like it
Favorite TV Shows: i watch alot of sports. Sportscenter in the morning. Rob and Big, Everybody Loves Raymond, iono buncha stuff.
Favorite Movies: too many usually i like a good horror or comedy movie
Choice quote: “I want to paint the Rock the first couple days we’re there. N i wanna make sure people know its from us freshman…lets hear ideas. … we gotta do somethin to piss off the rest of the sophs, juniors, n seniors”
A few weeks into school I met a boy who had already hooked up with nine girls. Admirable. Soon after, he burned his face taking a flaming shot, and I’m sure the hookups dwindled.
NU Stereotype: Boy who would take a flaming shot to show off, but totally fuck it up and burn his face.
Secret: He is totally into schoolwork. But the thing is, everyone here is totally into schoolwork, but the ones with the superiority complex try to hide it.
Actual secret: Actually a nice person. Genuinely feels bad when he fucks someone over. A fun person to hang out with, when he’s not showing off. He’s in PWild, so chances are higher than average he’s not actually a douche. Likes to jump off rocks.
Greek?: Abso-fucking-lutely. DU, maybe Sig Ep.
Predictions: Comes on too strong, gets burned in frat rush, Hundo regular by the end of the year.
-Sloane
Filed under: fucking freshmen | 1 Comment
Tags: frats, freshmen, judgment calls
How to Make It, Spend It, Lose It and Get It All Back Again
I could make a witty caption about how you'll never see this much money, but no.
Surprisingly, I hate to be cynical. I would love to tell you that everyone that comes to Northwestern — from the trust fund babies to the scholarship kids — will never have to worry about money beyond the woes of the typical college student.
I’d be lying.
Last year, I sat around a table with my friends and stumbled upon the topic of scholarship. I was broke, with $2.35 to my name, and most of the kids around me shared the same woes. Once it gets to February, all your money flies out the door due to a combination of alcohol, restaurants, warm weather and the bright lights of Chicago.
The topic wandered from how do we get extra money to how are we paying for college when I discovered that not one single person at the table was given a scholarship. Any scholarship. Whatsoever. Including myself. This table may not represent the entire Northwestern populace, but you’re fooling yourself if you believe most people really, truly struggle for cash. NU’s endowment is somewhere around $6 billion (You guys are right, I read the wrong part of the financial page. BUT STILL–) a tiny portion of that is funneled to students.
But even the richest of you will find yourself struggling to pay off your unnecessary meal at Davis Street. For the rest of us, the daily trips to Lisa’s, CVS and Joy Yee’s create a monumental wave of debt on our newly-minted Chase credit card. When it comes down to the line and daddy won’t slip you an extra $20 for the month, you do have options — just don’t fuck them up.
Kellogg studies are deceptive. Initally you may look at the potential revenue stream and think, “Oh shit, I’m rich.” Not so fucking fast. Unless you are unique in some really awesome way, you will likely get one survey a week. Maybe two, but then you will endure a weeks-long dry spell before the gods of Kellogg bless you with another study. Kellogg money also has a funny way of going directly towards paying for alcohol. Although Kellogg and EV1 are nowhere near each other, the walk between will slowly become ingrained in your head and you will drift down Davis without thinking. Suddenly, your meager $15 becomes $2 — enough to pay for a cheeseburger from BK on your trek back to Bobb.
Getting a real job. No one does this. The few who do labor all day, go to classes and occasionally juggle extra-curriculars only to be assigned an 8 PM – 3 AM shift by the bitches that call themselves “the boss.” More power to you if you decide to foray down this path, but if you are anything like every other student at Northwestern, you will stare at the job listings board for 5 minutes in September and then procrastinate until April — when nowhere is hiring. Not even Einstein Bagels.
“But I have other options!” Uh, no you don’t. If you’re a guy, you can theoretically sell your sperm, and girls can auction off their eggs for a shit-ton of money, but let’s be realistic: you will be too busy getting shit-faced in the frat quad to take the time to work. Crossroads? They accept clothing, but you make the trek from north campus to south campus in the freezing cold with a box of clothing for the HUGE payout of $13.87. Not worth it. You can sell your books, but the bookstore pays nothing and it will probably never sell on Amazon.
“But I can save my money!” No, no, no, don’t be ridiculous. Money flies out of the wallet faster at Northwestern than any other place in the United States, except perhaps Manhattan. Either you are a hermit or you are poor. Pick your poison. Chances are you’ll be lining up next to Leverone 370 with the best of us.
-Sloane
Filed under: the rough guide to nu | 4 Comments
Tags: freshman guide, jobs, kellogg studies, money, scholarships
We aren’t in Medill. We aren’t bound to the iron-clad fist of John Lavine. But for a “prestigious” journalism school (embarrassingly ranked beneath the University of Missouri-Columbia, whoops drop the Columbia), we have meager rations of news, gossip, or any media I would classify as “interesting.” This isn’t the Oregon Trail, and I’m fucking hungry.
Some get it right, at least in theory. For supply-and-demand success, look at Rumor Royalty: in a campus starved for gossip and drama, Kane stepped up and made an addictive — if vapid and totally Greek-centric — website. For a broad look at the Northwestern universe, keep updated on NBN: it may be too broad, but it covers almost everything vital (and a lot of stuff that isn’t). If you like a hard copy of your news, pick up the Daily in the dining room, but don’t expect anything more than news. As for The Weekly, it bridges a divide between gossip and news, but comes off as elitist and unprofessional. You can do better.
But if you’re like that, it all gets old pretty quickly. We aren’t pretending to be the second coming of Northwestern media, but Evanston has plenty more to talk about besides hard news and sorority scandals. And we’re gonna find it. We’re not perfect, but who’s fucking shooting for perfection nowadays anyway?
It’s not about drama, it’s not about news, it’s not about who fucked who. It’s about breaking the bubble.
-Sloane
Filed under: crunk counseling | Leave a Comment
Tags: goals, introductions, media, nbn, rumor royalty, the daily, the weekly
