This is more like what you'll be doing in your dorm bed.
College is all about freedom. The freedom to drink 5 shots (and that’s just pregaming). The freedom to go out at 3 a.m. if you want. The freedom to hook up with as many people as you want.
Uh, back up there.
Look, if you think you’re going to come to college and your roommate will be happy and helpful throughout your conquests, think again. I sexiled my roommate a grand total of, like, four times over the course of the year and by the time we both moved out on the last day she hated me for essentially being a floozy. But that might have had something to do with the fact that she, the horniest motherfucker to walk the planet, didn’t get fucked once.
Be a skank. Snare dozens of unsuspecting freshmen into your trap. Get yours. But don’t expect to bring your conquests back to your tiny dorm night after night. Get used to the Shakespeare Garden, the rocks by the lake, the beach, because if you have any skill with the opposite sex, chances are good your roommate will be double-majoring in Chinese and astrophysics (not to bash on astrophysicists, I’ve met some gorgeous astrophysicists, one of whom we dubbed “Cappie” because of his incredibly resemblance to Cappie from Greek).
Fuck yes.
Common pitfalls of sexiling and the dorm room bed:
- Finding a place to hook up. Get used to the following conversation: “My roommate has homework.” “My roommate’s asleep.” “Fuck.” “Fuck.” “I hear the library’s open….” In fall and late spring quarter, your options are limitless. In winter, bundle up and head to the stacks in the library, Tech, University, McTrib, or, if all else fails, spend a while wandering around pulling on door handles. Hormones trump the cold and locked doors.
- The “QUICK!” fuck. Yeah, so you put a sock on the door, but no roommate is forgiving enough to be okay with that more than once a week. To salvage roommate relations, perfect your technique so the entire session lasts no longer than 15 minutes, from heavy petting to post-orgasm cuddling.
- Emergency relocation. Once, after making out in the hall lounge for a few minutes, two people realized they wanted to hook up and quick. The hall lounge at 10 p.m. is not an optimal location; keep an emergency stock of private (albeit sketchy) locations. Shepherd and other RC’s are good for this, with practice rooms, etc. etc., downstairs. In residence halls, you may not be so lucky.
Northwestern is not a haven for over-educated virgins. A quick calculation of my freshman-year hall estimates that slightly over 50% of us were un-virgined, and I lived in a shitty dorm on south campus. Don’t delude yourself into thinking everyone living in Bobb is an over-sexed alcoholic (more on Bobb later), though. Wherever you live you will find people like you. One of the prettiest and most interesting ladies I know is still of the sacred cloth, whereas some ugly fucking Medilldos are fucking up a storm. Seriously, just don’t worry about it.
Don’t buy into the myth that there is no dating scene at Northwestern. (A) Who gives a shit about dating anymore? And (B) There are plenty of opportunities, both serious and casual, to engage the affections of the alternate sex. If you are desperate, reasonably attractive (and I do mean reasonably in the loosest interpretation of the word), and open to whatever you will find what you want, cash-back guarantee. Don’t work yourself into the mindset that you are too ugly to find a mate. Almost everyone here is too ugly, so wear a low-cut top or don’t be a douchebag and you’re set for your four years here. Finding a relationship is another thing altogether, but just don’t worry about that and everything will be ace.
-Sloane
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